I wrote a blog post this time last year for my beautiful mother, thanking her for being her. For doing her utmost best to bring up three children alone and for being the best Grandmammy to Milan. I also said in the post ‘I don’t know what i would ever do without you’ and that was of the last things i said to her in person just five days before we lost her. We both cried together, cuddling one another and she promised me she would never leave me saying ‘lass, you don’t need to worry. I’m not going anywhere.’ Now i am living that nightmare. I didn’t think that one year on and i wouldn’t be spending the day with my mam but instead remembering her. It is hard, very hard.
People have avoided mentioning Mothers Day to me, i have avoided even knowing when it was. But being a mother myself i have to try. People that don’t know me or my life have said to me ‘are you doing anything nice on Mothers Day’ and i just freeze, my heart sinks and all that goes through my mind is 1. Do i lie to save the awkwardness and explanation or the ‘i’m sorry, i didnt realise’ or 2. Do i explain that i have recently lost my mother and best friend. I still try and avoid the truth, why? Because i feel the more i say it the more real it becomes. It deeply hurts. The last few months have been one horrible nightmare, and even worse when you step out the house and see ‘book a table this Mothers Day’ and ‘show your mum just how special she really is this Mothers Day’ written in every shop window. I peer in briefly then carry on walking, by this point i am completely zoned out thinking about everything that has happened these last few months. The last time i saw her, the last conversation we had, the last text messages and the promises we made to each other.
Today it hit me that this is the rest of my life now. Reality is hitting, and its hitting hard. I’m completely honest in saying that without Milan i’m not sure i would have got through the impact of such a life change. Dont get me wrong, i have had so many bad days. But every single time, it dawns on me that i am a mother myself and that innocent beautiful little girl needs me and i need her. One of the hardest realities for me is knowing that Milan will never get to grow up with her Grandmammy around her. So many people have said to me, ‘You will never get over whats happened, you will just learn to live with it’ and i guess they are right. I will never stop missing and loving my mam and i know days like today will always be hard for us. But to anyone reading this post, cherish the people you love. Tell them you love them, make them feel special and always take a million photos.
Happy Mothers Day Mamma Lowdon,
You will forever have my heart and i truly hope that wherever you and Dad are, that you are both still madly in love and happy