I genuinely cant believe i am writing this. I am still hoping that i will wake up one morning and i’ll receive my daily “Morning my peas! All love, your pod. X” text and it was all just a horrible nightmare. But as i’m sat here right now writing this, i’m also looking at your photos on the mantle piece surrounded by candles, with blurry eyes and suddenly that nightmare is actually reality. My heart is crushed. I know you would never want me to suffer but you were my best friend. Milan never got to spend christmas with her grandmammy. This christmas was supposed to be the best one yet. Now we will be spending christmas remembering you instead of being with you.
I feel so numb and i am full of so many different emotions. It wasnt your time to go, but you have.
You are probably up there with dad right now, in all your leathers, cigarette in one hand and a large coffee in the other catching up. But that doesnt make it any easier knowing i will never be able to hear your voice again, sit drinking a million coffees ranting about life, watch you play with your “wittley pea” or receive my loving texts from you. I feel so broken. You were one in a million Ma. Life never gave you break, but you powered through it and did the best you could to bring the three of us up alone. You have taught Milan so much in the last year and a half and there are so many things she does now that just remind me of you.
We had so much planned and spent the last 6 months inseparable even during us moving 400 miles away. I will miss everything about you mam. Your beautiful smile, you dancing around the kitchen, you embarrassing me by being a massive kid with Milan, you kissing me goodbye, you giving me a hug and telling me everything was ok and just generally your amazing company.
I will always love you and you’ll always be mine and Milan’s best friend. Ill make sure she knows just exactly how much you loved her. It still doesnt feel real but i really hope you are happy in the stars, your soul is now free and you are back with dad and grandma.
Its not goodbye, its for now lass. My love for you will never go.
Your two peas!
P.s- I love you so much.